Love or confusion?
Yolanda
Love or confusion?
This afternoon I was walking the streets of Amsterdam and I felt such joy. It felt as though I could just lift off as there was no experience of gravity. Then again I was walking firmly, ticking my high heels with some sense of rhythm into the blur of big city sounds. I experienced a healing kind of emptiness, away from thoughts and worries of the mind and at the same time there was full awareness. Out of this emerged this deep inner joy.
What happened? About 8 months ago I was involved in a conversation discussing the man / woman relationship. Being regarded as the most intelligent and highly developed species on this planet, we still seem to respond upon that millisecond input into our (ancient) part of the brain that wants us to ‘mate’. When a man and woman meet and they click, the outcome has to be ‘mating’. At least, for that millisecond that starts of this chain reaction of thoughts, chemical reactions and so on. I was discussing with this (male) friend that we experienced this often as annoying, as we would find ourselves in the midst of developing a deeper human relationship with the other gender, the other person would make suggestive comments or moves to turn this ‘click’ into a different kind of relationship. We both agreed that there was so much more possible between human beings, and especially if we would be able to transform this sexual energy into a higher form of connecting.
Well, I know by now that when I make a statement like this, giving expression to what seems to be the dawn of new times (pioneering on our human paths of growth), the powers of the Universe will test me. And so it happened!
Into my life came this really challenging, very intelligent and handsome man. We connected on all levels as we are both passionate seekers of what is true. I failed the test and got involved into a romantic relationship. There were too many cosmic signs that we had to connect with each other. The Universe was truly conspiring to get us involved in this. Looking back now I have to think of the caterpillar story. Was it in fact the defense immune system fighting back at me? Not allowing a possible change in inter human relationships between men and women?
After a short period of time the relationship came to an end, as there was too much fire involved for any human being to handle. For the first time in my life I am facing the challenge to live by myself, not being involved in a romantic relationship. Something inside me needs to find out what is possible. I deeply experience now that I do not need a man/woman relationship to ‘complete’ me. Obviously I have read books and listened to ‘wise ‘people for years telling me so. It is a different experience all together to truly know. I was drinking a yogi thee the other day which was labeled with these wise words: “knowledge becomes wisdom when it becomes your own experience”. It sure does!
Just now I remembered a conversation with a friend the other evening about enlightenment. What really is enlightenment we asked ourselves. There are many answers. Transforming our sexual energy, could this be part of the enlightenment of our species?
The other day I received an email from another Zaady saying: “it is all about me and my relationship to God or the divine”. Well, that much can be true, but I do believe that there is much more possible. So much potential lies in our relationships. I mean, what could happen, what would we be capable of if we are able to relate to each other on a deeper level of our divinity? I believe Zaadz is making these baby steps already towards the change, creating stepping stones as we are all connecting the dots.
………
Love is the astrolabe of God's mysteries.
A lover may hanker after this love or that love,
But at the last he is drawn to the King of Love.
However much we describe and explain Love,
When we fall in love we are ashamed of our words.
Explanation by the tongue makes most things clear,
But Love unexplained is better.
……..
Rumi
Access: Public
divine
June 2008 
Dear Yolanda,
That's a WONDERFUL article. It's really refreshing to see some true and free thought. You are really stretching for some new ground, some better solutions. It takes mucho courage/integrity to do that. Respek!
In particular, I was impressed when you said this: “We both agreed that there was so much more possible between human beings, and especially if we would be able to transform this sexual energy into a higher form of connecting.”
I think what you say is true. And it can happen–indeed it DOES happen– in those (relatively rare) cases where the COMMITMENT to seeing it through to that is GREAT than any competing commitment – like the desire to get laid, or to “get” a mate, etc. The tragedy is, most people can't imagine making a HUGE intergender commitment UNLESS those other priorities will be satisfied.
Commitment–and commitment include piriorities of various committments–is everything in this. What I have found in love relationships between me and women is–honestly–light years ahead of what most people are stuck in, or with. That has to sound arrogant, but it is nonetheless simply TRUE. And, the simpple REASON this is so is because I have a big commitment to seeing the kind of things you are talking about come true. So, they do. One step in front of the other, you keep walking forward. Soon, you are WAY somewhere, cause most of the time, we just walk in circles, or we don't walk.
You can do that too, and you can realize the dream you have outlined here. Just take huge commitment from within yourself, and that will inspire others to reciprocate that commitment, eventually. Then, together, you're on your way to realizing that “other world”!
Love, am
Yolanda.
This is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing.
yes, very heart felt and beautiful. (Your poem at the end is so beautiful, i could take the advice and not try to speak of love, but it’s fun to be loquacious sometimes!)
and for me, it is that everything is both/and, not one or the other. Sexuality is real and beautiful, and can be an expression of deep spirituality. This has been written about at great length, by true tantra masters and very articulately by Osho. His book Sex and Superconsciousness speaks eloquenty to the confusion regarding sexuality, and the path of spirituality that leads, not around it, but directly through it, embracing it as a high form of communion, dissolving all boundaries.
and another part of your blog speaks to experiences i have gone through recently, learning to truly live with my aloneness. we live with a great hole in our hearts, and we go to all kind of lengths to fill it, so we don’t have to feel it or face it. We can speak of bliss and joy all night long, but in this world, everything always includes it’s opposite, and the dark night of the soul is exactly where bliss resides. How could we ever experience true bliss unless we are able to fully experience deep sadness? And how can we ever love another in a healthy way, unless we have come face to face with our selves, all alone? Facing death, i will be alone, so i might as well face my death now. Then i have nothing to fear, i know i am alone, and i choose to dance with another out of pure spontaneous joy. Friends and partners are important as well, but at some point, it is my own vision quest, to go into the desert alone. Love is important, but first love of self and God/goddess. Otherwise what we call love is usually some codependent barter system….
and i feel this, right now, whatever it is
completely, without resistance
no matter what it is
joy, sadness, pain, grief,
one breath, in and out.
walking alone
in a vast universe.
People pretend to know me
but what do they know?
what do i know?
i breathe it all in, and breathe it out,
again and again.
Inhaling in the mystery!
Dear Forest,
You have spoken eloquently, and you ask a big question: “And how can we ever love another in a healthy way, unless we have come face to face with our selves, all alone? Facing death, i will be alone, so i might as well face my death now.”
That's a real good point. Too often people just look for superficiality to save them. THere's another thing I see happening, though: people fail to love very well in “love relationships,” and thereby ruin them. THEN, the story goes, they turn to the dark side – OR to the superficial side.
But look at this: the dicotomy MENTIONED is always the superficially bright – which as you imply is reallly NOT bright – vs. the darkness. So it's, “I did the light, now I need to do the dark.”??? Where is that coming from, in such cases?
LOVE – the REAL light – doesn't fail. People are constantly talking about being wounded in love, love let them down – and yet, love doesn't fail. SO what happened? I think people don't want to face the limitations of their attempts to LOVE.
Now, if THAT is true, then the idea of “achieving true balance by facing the dark” is deluded. What if lives that are ALREADY hyper-belaced on the negative, simply because what is superficial is not really LIGHT at all, and because a lot of darkness was ALREADY used to screw love up.
In that reality context, when you speak of facing aloneness and death, the question arises:
To what ADDITIONAL lengths should one go to face aloneness and death now?
I doubt you mean facing death literally, because that could get pretty wild. For example, I had an aquaintance who was definately on an aloneness vision quest. Well at least, he seriously alienated everyone in his life–and in the process, he became a homeless and raging alcoholic. Toward the end, he also inhaled a lot of mystery in the form of glue. He breathed the glue part of the Big Mystery in and out, in and out, until his brain kind of gave out. Within six months, he was definately facing aloneness, and on top of that, he got death thoroughly “faced”. May he rest in peace, he was a great guy.
It is painfully obvious that mucho aloneness and death are being brought into love relationships every day, courtesy of EGO in those reliatonships. ALl the othering is aloneness. All the withdrawing is aloneness. All the hurting is death.
But now, is that REAL, or is it just horrying illusions of ego? I would say, it tends to be the latter more than the former. Like, one thing you could say about my poor buddy, he definately did NOT have the bad habit of talking about bliss and joy all night long. He was more of a rager. So he deserves some points for not being superficial, and facing the dark side. He sure helped me face his dark side, so in that sense, could it be said that I really knew him? But as I saw it, what he saw as the dark side was UNreal, AND, he never knew love, really. He just created for himself a string of aborted relationships, and was really tore up about it. His whole life was the dark side, already, it seems to me. So …
It could seem UNthorough, but I think it pays to not worry TOO MUCH about the dark. I think the light side that is almost NEVER fulfilled needs MUCH more attention before its time to face much MORE in the way of death. Except ego death, that can be faced all the time. Just LOVE, and ego will definately fade out.
the first lines of yolanda's blog here are very beautiful, the feeling of emptiness, and joy arising. There is a quote at the end of this comment for you Yolanda, about enlightenment.
I won't go into too much detail to respond to your response Amadon, because i don't think you quite got what i was saying. As communication is two way, i'll take the responsibility of not having communicated well.
But i want to say simply that whatever arises now does not need to be changed. It is always the ego that wants change. Love exists, joy exists, no matter what the circumstances. And that's why i suggest it is helpful to embrace whatever is present, and not wish it were different(there's no need to search for darkness, i certainly would not want to “worry about the dark”). There is a great gift in aloneness, there is a great gift in the dark nights of the soul. I certainly never meant to imply that “now i've done the light, now i need to do the dark.” The day comes, so beautiful. The night falls, also beautiful. As i see it, Yolanda's beautiful sense of walking in Amsterdam, empty and full of joy, come from her being with her experiences being fully felt by her.
And when i am truly able to embrace my own death (death of the ego if you will), and i am willing to be completely alone, it is then that i can know the true union that exists in all situations, all of the time. And if i am able to live as love when i am completely alone, then i can be love with everyone that i meet. But then there is no i…Non dependent, unconditional love, flowing.
To yolanda, what is enlightenment? This is a quote from a wonderful book called 365 Nirvana, Here and Now, which has quotes from all traditions, teachers and poets, etc.-
The Ecstasy of Not Being Anybody
“Enlightenment
is life without a future,
liberation from the pretense of safety.
Without a future, where did the past go?
It is the end of the known
and the endless exploration of the Unknown.
It is the end of the struggle
to be anybody or get anything.
It is the end of looking for anything.
It is the end of trying to become anything.
It is the end of trying to hold on to anything.
It is the end of trying to make something happen.
or not happen.
What a relief!”
by Scott Morrison
forrest
Forrest ~
Much of what you say is beautiful and true. But I take exception to this statement:
“And if i am able to live as love when i am completely alone, then i can be love with everyone that i meet.”
I have had many beautiful retreat experiences “on the mountain,” but it is quite a different story continuing to feel that/live that/express that face-to-face with another human being. And, the more personal the involvement/interaction, the greater the challenge it is to be and remain love in their face.
I have heard from many people who have the same experience. In fact, the traditional path in which people live monastic or yogic lifestyles in order to seek and stabilize higher consciousness really bears out this same observation. It is much harder to be love in relationship than alone!
So, it IS not necessarily true that the ability to live as love when alone translates, without additional work and growth, to the ability to be love with everyone we meet. That is its own challenge, its own stage of growth, its own level of enlightenment. And a necessary one, in my book. Because what's the point of being able to live as love UNLESS we can do it with everyone we meet, no matter how personally involved we are with them?
Love,
Sara
Hi, sara-bon, i agree completely. You are very right. So maybe it would be more accurate to say that we learn to be love in every situation, both when we are alone and when we are engaged in relating. It is as you say, challenging to remain loving in a relationship, and sometimes self deluding to pretend to be at peace within oneself, and find out that when we are in relationship, old wounds throw us into reaction and fear.
As usual, paradox wins! Running to relationship from neediness is not the answer, nor running away from relationship in fear…
love, forrest
A meeting, nay, a merger of minds. Thank you Forrest. I agree.
P.S. Thank you, Yoland, my new and important friend, for writing this marvelous post. It is one of the brightest things I've read on Zaadz. I look forward to learning much together!
Love,
Sara
Yolanda —-
hmmm, very interesting…! like you, i've also had one of those great cosmic-soul-mate-confirmed-and-supported-by-everything-in-the-universe connections! and, as with yours, mine ended very quickly (the other person was the one who couldn't take it, and ran away). i've also met 3 other people who have encountered this kind of soul-mate, and in every case, one of the mates wanted the connection to go as deep and as far as it could, and the other “chickened out” and ran away…. i'm not sure what to make of that, but it is definitely a notable characteristic of these relationships…!
beyond that one thing, it seems that my life and yours have been total opposites regarding relationships. you say you've never before been without a romantic relationship – wow!! – and i've spent almost my whole life without one. you're looking now for some way to connect more deeply with another person than through sex … and, to me, sex is the gateway to our deepest possible connections…. maybe that's just my lack of experience (99.5% of my life, by actual calculation, spent without a partner!) and naivete – but it seems to me, the sexual connection is the most fundamental and powerful and sacred one we have as human beings. if not for it, none of us would be here in the first place! it may not be the only gateway to the worlds of mystery inside us, but it does seem to be the most natural one…. i may be totally wrong, though – i'm just an outsider, looking in the window; and things often look better from outside than they really are : ^ )…. you're the one who has spent your whole life, so far, inside this particular window – so you know the reality of it much better than i do.
it does seem to me that maybe the old pattern of locking ourselves to one mate is becoming less and less workable for people; it puts too much pressure on the one relationship, and is too confining, and it keeps people from being able to know the depths of anyone besides the one mate! but, what's a workable alternative? the “free love” experiments of the 1960s don't seem to be the answer…. we need some kind of a new approach, which no one seems to have envisioned yet … but i think it's getting close to appearing…! your exploration of the subject will help to bring that about; and i like very much what was said by Amadon and forrest and Sara-bon!
all the best to you!
_||_
db
The Golden Seed….